Non Skweeter

To be perfectly honest, I’m thinking of registering as a “Humorist” in the next election to ensure that everyone knows just where I stand on most issues: The funnier, the better. That said, it can be difficult sometimes to find anything to laugh at, especially with a highly volatile situation in the Middle East dominating nightly newscasts. But that, friends, is exactly what I plan to laugh at in this entry.

Fear not, I don’t plan to get political. No matter how you vote, I guarantee that what follows should be of great concern to you as a human being who may or may not be in dire need of material that can be used to entertain your coworkers tomorrow morning.

According to The Daily Telegraph, a newspaper based in Sydney, Austraila, there is something roaming Iraq that is far more horrible than terrorists bent on mass destruction. Indeed, experts have already determined that this new threat might even be one of the seven signs of the apocalypse:

Giant badgers.

Giant badgers who STALK AND EAT PEOPLE.

According to an article titled “Giant badgers terrorize Iraqi port city,” citizens of Basra, the third-largest city in Iraq and the legendary home of Sinbad the Sailor, believe that British soldiers released the monstrous man-eaters shortly after the invasion of Iraq in 2003.

“I was sleeping at night when this strange animal hit me on my head,” Suad Hassan, a thirty year old housewife, is quoted as saying. “My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer.”

You probably know that one of Wisconsin’s nicknames is “The Badger State,” and you can probably guess that the nickname comes from the fact that Wisconsin is home to many badgers. You might not know that badgers actually can be pretty fierce (and fearsome). I’m guessing you had no idea, though, that badgers had recently evolved to the point where they sneak into people’s bedrooms and hit them on the head.

Believe it or not, it gets worse. The article goes on to quote a farmer from the region, Sattar Jabbar, as saying that he saw one giant badger kill and devour AN ENTIRE COW. “It tore the cow up piece by piece,” Jabbar said, “I tried to shoot it with my gun but it ran away into the orchards.”

If you knew that we have badgers in Wisconsin, I probably don’t need to tell you that we also have lots of cows. Who’s to say that these giant, killer badgers with cheetah-like reflexes won’t strike the Northwoods soon?

The biggest question I have is, “Why have we not heard more about this?” Is the price of gas REALLY more important than giant, killer, Iraqi badgers?

I’d blame the media if I didn’t want to keep getting paid for writing columns.