Up…Up…Up…Up…Uptown Girl.

I am a girl. Real shocker, huh? It’s true, though; I’m a girl. I like clothes and shoes, make-up and fashion magazines, I dance around my room to Madonna and watch When Harry Met Sally once a month, I obsess over my eyebrows and have declared war on my thighs. I am a girl.

One of my coworkers, Crazy-Psycho-Crazy, thinks she’s a girl, but she’s not. Crazy-Psycho-Crazy is an alien. She likes hideous clothes and clunky shoes, garish make-up and dated fashion magazines, and while I don’t know if she listens to Madonna or watches When Harry Met Sally on a regular basis, she has plucked her eyebrows into oblivion and frequently discusses the lengths she would go to in order to rid herself of her current lower body. But she is not a girl. Like I said, she is an alien.

Okay, so she’s probably not really an alien, and at first, I took her outlandish tastes in clothing and cosmetics to mean that she’s merely a hapless victim of fashion and dishonest friends. I even felt bad for her and thought, for a brief, fleeting moment, of asking her out for lunch and shopping (she’s the second-youngest person in the office at the tender age of thirty-two) in the hopes of encouraging her to try on and purchase some things that played up her best features rather than hide them under a shroud of glitter and polyester. Then I remembered that I don’t do office friendships. Also, it turns out that Crazy-Psycho-Crazy is a crazy, psychotic bitch (hence the clever nickname). So she’s an alien.

Having spent nearly three months working with her, I have decided that the reason Crazy-Psycho-Crazy looks, speaks and acts the way she does is because, as an alien, she hasn’t quite pegged the intricacies of being a female human or, in fact, being a human at all. This got me thinking that someone should write a basic but extremely helpful manual for those beings who need to be able to pass themselves off as reasonably normal Earth women. Whoever wrote it would need to be sensitive to the needs of the average humanoid and able to compose the kind of text that offered gentle nudges in the right direction so as to avoid discouraging any aliens bent on assimilating themselves to our culture in order to study our every move so that, when the alien armada gets here, the attack on and subsequent victory and domination over humanity will go quickly and smoothly.

Naturally, as this task requires gentleness and sensitivity, I am the perfect person for the job (fucking disagree with me, I dare you). And so, I present for the approval and entertainment of all the humans who read this ‘blog:

Amanda’s Dos and Don’ts for Aliens Pretending to be Human Women

First of all, I would like to mention that I will be naming names, and though some of you might not have been aware that the people I bring up are, in fact, aliens, they are, and I have proof, so don’t argue. I will also, when possible, include the alien’s planet of origin in parentheses for those interested parties.

But enough of that waffle; I just know you’re all just waggling your various appendages in anticipation, so let’s get started!

General Appearance
It has been brought to the attention of most of humanity that there are “people” out there, known as “celebrities,” who seem to appear ridiculously thin and emaciated. Whispers of eating disorders abound in the magical, mythical land known as Hollywood, but you and I know better, don’t we? “Mary Kate Olsen”, anorexic? No! She’s just an alien (from the planet Kalgran) who got her proportions mixed up when being briefed on how to pretend to be human. While she had it right for awhile, she failed to keep up with the human on which she’d patterned herself, her “sister” Ashley, and, like so many before her, started to get creative with the human shell she inhabits. This is highly unfortunate for many reasons but mostly because further manipulation of her host will no doubt alert the humans around her to the fact that she’s not from this galaxy and then the future plans for domination will have to be aborted until this generation’s dead and gone.

It is important, as an alien attempting to fit in with people, to maintain what is generally accepted as a healthy appearance. You can look to other aliens like “Nicole Ritchie” (Harfet 7), “Lindsay Lohan” (The Nothern Faxaar region of Brulock), “Paris Hilton” (planet unknown) “Lara Flynn Boyle” (Soomar) and “Terri Hatcher” (California) for perfect examples of how NOT to look. Your job, after all, is to blend in, and having clavicles a person could eat soup¹ out of is not the best way to do that.

General Behavior
Again, the key is to blend in, and whatever you do, don’t make like “Anne Heche” (Djarfeski) and blow your cover, telling the world your real name. Thankfully, Celestia was able to be replaced by the current “Anne Heche” who has managed to stay mostly under the radar for the last few years.

Speech
This is not something that poses too much of a problem, seeing as many real humans have not yet mastered their various native languages, but it is something worth mentioning nonetheless. Speaking properly will not only keep people from viewing you in a negative light, it could wind up being a skill that makes others think you are intelligent and capable. If they believe these things about you, they are more likely to trust you with important information, which could prove highly useful in the impending takeover of Earth.

If you are an alien who insists on being in the public eye, it is even more important that you try to ensure that you don’t come off sounding like an idiot, like “Avril Lavigne” (Jixintar) did when she mispronounced international music icon David Bowie’s last name at an award presentation. This made it obvious that she had not been on this planet all that long, though not, as many people assumed, because she was only seventeen years old, but because she had spent the last fifteen hundred years oozing along the surface of her home planet, consuming small bits of food with the six, gaping mouths located on her stomach.

Clothing
Though it hasn’t yet been determined who was responsible for it, much of alien-kind was angered by the introduction of spandex into human culture. This substance, treasured by much of the Stagnar galaxy, was never meant for humans, partially because of its explosive nature when paired with certain other substances but mostly because it just makes the majority of them look really, really bad. Though no one has yet been charged with introducing this volatile material to humans, Olivia Newton John (Kaltook) has been under close surveillance since the early 1980s.

Because non-humans find natural, Earth fabrics like cotton and silk to be unsettlingly unfamiliar, they tend to gravitate toward synthetics as well as colors that are described by humans as “not appearing in nature.” A sure sign that someone was an alien used to be a head-to-toe ensemble consisting of neon-colored polyester or rayon, though, thanks to the efforts of one pioneering extra-terrestrial, “Britney Spears” (Wytrash), completely human club-hoppers have started to sport the look as well. Still, it is recommended that non-humans resist the urge to don the fabrics and national colors of their home planets and play it safe by sticking to simple, classic Earth styles and hues.

Hair, Make Up, Jewelry and the Rest
Most Earth-based experts on cosmetics say that the classy woman wears her make-up in a way so that it looks like she’s not wearing any at all. Most Septark 5-based experts on cosmetics say that the classy woman dumps a bucket of veenat blood over her head prior to leaving the house. Most aliens posing as human females seem to have attempted to mix the two styles, often with disastrous results. In order to make it as simple as possible, I have compiled a list of the following things that, while favored by many aliens, tend to be shunned by most real women:

-Any makeup that contains the description “frosty”
-Tattoo jewelry
-Gold lipstick
-Tan-toos
-Clip-on hair extensions
-Aqua Net Hairspray (invented en route to Earth by two Tryphalians who needed to reinforce the hull of their ship prior to entering Earth’s atmosphere.)
-Clear, plastic shoes
-Pierced fingernails
-Gold teeth for anyone born after World War II
-Teased bangs
-Excessive tanning (see: “Donatella Versace” (Farnu-Dornak))
-Crimping irons (originally used by a homesick Gorblat female who wanted to mimic the craggy terrain of her home planet and decided that her head would be the best place to construct the tribute)

This doesn’t mean that you should be afraid to experiment–Earth women are encouraged to try new things in order to keep from getting stuck in a rut–just be aware that you should avoid following any fashion or make-up advice offered by JANE magazine, as it is run primarily by pranksters from the planet Iskar.

Though this guide is not at all comprehensive, it should give you a good idea of what to avoid in your quest to blend in with and study humanity. Unfortunately, most planets don’t offer good training programs to those who are assigned these missions on Earth, and so you can’t be blamed for not realizing that there are certain things considered on Earth that are considered tacky and that draw the kind of attention you don’t want prior to January 17th, 2009, when the war ships of the Galactic Armies position themselves over every major city on Earth and demand the immediate surrender of the human race under the threat of complete annihilation.

And though you might be tempted to assume that Jessica Simpson is not of this world, she is, though if you decide to abandon the impending hostile takeover and leave Earth quietly, feel free to take her along for study and gross, invasive experiments. Also, Brittany Murphy. And Hilary Duff. And the other Olsen. And the entire cast of Laguna Beach. And Mischa Barton. And…

¹A type of liquid food, usually water-based, flavored with various vegetables, fruits and/or meats. Reminiscent of the most popular dish served on the moon Desfaria, only soup won’t cause you to be able to temporarily walk through solid objects. Please try to remember this during your stay on Earth.