Snood? Gesundheit.

ASSIGNMENT #4:
the critical importance of the snood in modern fashion trends. – cyanide

First, for those of you unfamiliar with what, exactly, is a snood, I implore you to visit a website owned by the aptly named “Lady MacSnood.”

Lady MacSnood: Maker of Fine, Handmade Snoods.

There you will learn what a snood is, how one is made and why, in this world of cheap, knock-off snoods, a MacSnood snood is a sound investment you won’t regret or forget.

The Amish have known for at least five months that the snood is the most important fashion accessory at a woman’s disposal. In this world where smaller and cuter is better, it’s easy to understand why an estimated 1,000,000 cellular phones are reported missing everyday, only to be found stuck in their owners’ ear canals at a later date. Unfortunately, as phones, makeup compacts and standards get smaller, so do those staples of female fashion: handbags.

Well, either that or they’re big enough to cart a small child around in, which only makes the dilemma posed by microscopic cell phones worse. With all that space, it’s not hard to believe that Paris Hilton has swallowed her pink Motorola Razr four times after mistaking it for an Altoid.

Enter the snood (Side note: Is it just me, or would Enter the Snood be a great name for a kung fu flick adapted from a Louisa May Alcott novel?). With only a minor bit of positive publicity, fashion victims everywhere would flock to their local malls to stock up on paisley patterned snoods to match their paisley patterned miniskirts, and the handbag business as we know it would change forever. Why carry a Kate Spade clutch when you can keep loose change in your snood? Dooney and Bourke? No thanks; I’ve got a perfectly good snood.

The problems surrounding increasingly infinitesimal cell phones would be a thing of the past as well. With a snood, your phone’s always within ear’s reach (without actually being in your ear). The most chic snoods would incorporate Bluetooth technology, allowing the wearer to answer her phone without having to dig it out of her hair. Not that she’d have to dig it out of her hair, because snoods are awesome and perfect!

I envision the entire island of Manhattan positively draped in snoods. The entire fashion world will be taken by storm when Prada introduces a risqué “invisible” snood. Gwen Stefani will introduce the “happy kawaii snood love” to her L.A.M.B. line after a visit to Tokyo, where all the Harajuku girls will have been donning snoods since before Gwen was born.

I realize that the snood movement has its flaws. Men, for example. What would they wear? Why should women have all the convenience of a one-stop shop for all of their hands-free, toting needs? Well, I’ve given this a bit of thought, too, and have come up with a handy solution:

Codpieces.

You read that correctly. Codpieces. However, I’ll leave those details up to Armani or Ralph Lauren as, frankly, I don’t like to get that close to male naughty bits unless I’m getting something out of it in return.

So, those fashion-forward ladies out there should now be completely convinced of the sheer genius of the snood. I expect you will don bikinis with matching snoods all summer long, and that, when someone asks you where you got the idea, you will square your shoulders, look them straight in the eye and truthfully say, “Madonna.”

Because if that bitch can get away with cone bras and purple, spandex hot pants, she can get away with anything.