I Love This Entry

I like to try to keep my writing topics universal—family, jobs, relationships, etc.—but this entry might find my non-American readers stumped. However, I feel that the time has finally come for me to address a particular phenomenon brought to this country by the highly industrious and life-blood-sucking folks over at VH1. As many of you know, VH1 was formerly the nerdy, awkward sister of MTV, but the last few years have seen its rise to the pantheon of music television channels that hardly ever play music. One of the most popular series to come from VH1 is without a doubt the nostalgic grouping of shows known as I Love the 70s, I Love the 80s, I Love the 90s, I Love the 80s 3-D, I Love the 80s Strikes Back and, most recently, I Love the 70s Volume 2.

Now I’m a big fan of nostalgia, don’t get me wrong, but I can’t help being a little concerned for VH1’s target audience when I see just how insanely popular these shows have become. I Love the 70s is fun for me to watch because I wasn’t alive during the 1970s, and I Love the 80s is okay because I was born in 1984, but really, was I Love the 90s necessary for someone like me who remembers fairly well everything worth remembering from the 1990s? I’m not even VH1’s target audience, a fairly older crowd, sure, but not so old that they have yet succumbed to Alzheimer’s, so why do they need to be reminded of all the things they listened to, watched, played with and ate during years of their lives I’m sure most of them still recall with decent clarity? I thought, what with all of the various stimulants provided by television, video games, iPods, light-up sneakers, Red Bulls and Paris Hiltons around these days, that it was the upcoming generation we were supposed to be worried about? Why is VH1 supporting what I’m sure is a small percentage of the thirty and forty-something crowd suffering from memory-loss when I know at least a dozen twelve year olds who forget their own names after hours-long sessions of Halo?

Being the incredibly industrious and life-blood-sucking individual that I am, I have come up with a way for VH1 to continue producing nostalgia shows (thus ensuring paychecks for Michael Ian Black, Sir Mix-A-Lot and Rachel Harris, among others) whilst simultaneously providing a much-needed service to the youth of America. The programs would operate much like those Leap Pad learning systems for toddlers, only they would not just be interactive, but would also be able to be reprogrammed by a teen or pre-teen’s parent. The software would be called, I Love Yesterday, and would feature the voices of VH1 heavy-hitters such as Hal Sparks. All a parent would have to do prior to handing I Love Yesterday over to their child is plug pertinent information into the program (using the easy-to-follow instruction manual and voice-activated prompts). Once I Love Yesterday was in the child’s hands, Hal, Michael, Rachel, Sir Mix-A-Lot and others would reminisce and wax hilarious about things kids need to remember. Here is but a sample of the fare offered by I Love Yesterday:

MICHAEL IAN BLACK: Yesterday, Jimmy’s baby sister was born.
RACHEL HARRIS: It sure set my biological clock ticking—like a time bomb! Ha ha!
HAL SPARKS: His parents named the baby “Mary.”
SIR MIX-A-LOT: Man, what a stupid-ass name. Who names their babies “Mary” anymore?
RACHEL HARRIS: My parents were going to name me “Mary,” but I’d lost my virginity by the time I was born.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: I am a tree.
HAL SPARKS: Snarky snarky snark snark… Look, I’m adorable! Can you believe I’m not thirteen?!
SIR MIX-A-LOT: Man, Hal Sparks is such a bitch.
MO ROCCA¹: Michael Ian Black said I look like I belong in a Where’s Waldo book. I have been provided with props to prove how right he is. Look. Look at my props. I’m a media gadfly.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK: Mo Rocca is a media gadfly.
RACHEL HARRIS: You see what I did there! I said I was a slut! I’m a slut with glasses. Ha ha!

Your child will be entertained and educated about the details of his or her daily life, most of which are forgotten within seconds of switching on the average video game console.

So there you have it: my brilliant idea for milking VH1’s hugely popular nostalgia kick. If any of you think that I Love Yesterday seems a little extreme, I need only remind you that VH1 currently has a show called Best Week Ever in which various people comment on the events of the previous week for those who may have slipped into a five-day coma and missed the fact that Mischa Barton was seen picking her nose in a Hard Rock Café. I Love Yesterday is hardly a stretch.

Oh, and before I go: If anyone from VH1 is reading this, I’m available Monday through Friday for your upcoming series, I Love the Last Six Years. As payment, I require an adequate supply of Pepsi, three boxes of Cheez-Its and the immediate decapitation of Patrice O’Neal.

¹Mo Rocca sold separately.