A Message from the S.P.S.T.

My toaster is a condescending little bastard of an appliance.

Here I am, twenty-two years old with a high school diploma and a basic college education, and my toaster feels the need to tell me how to use it. You would think that my toaster, being one of the simpler appliances in my kitchen, would not only recognize, but also hope that I or anyone else who enters my home who happens to be tall enough to reach it would be able to insert some bread or bagels or even toaster pastries and push down a lever without instructions.

Sadly, this is not the case.

Printed just above my toaster’s lever and light/dark knob is a small set of pictographs, showing exactly how the thing should be used. More than this, there is a small pictograph of exactly how the toaster should not be used: a fork sticking out of the toaster with a circle and slash over it. Obviously, this tells me and others not to stick forks into my toaster, but if it assumes that I’m stupid enough to want to do that in the first place, why doesn’t my toaster just go all the way? If it thinks that I’m simple enough to want to eat a toasted fork, why doesn’t it also have pictures telling me not to stick a cat in the toaster? Why doesn’t it warn me against sticking marshmallows into it, especially since they are often toasted with graham crackers and chocolate bars over an open flame? Why doesn’t my toaster take the time to explain to me the perils of sticking my own hand into the toaster?

Admittedly, my toaster itself is responsible for none of this, the manufacturers of my toaster are the ones who think I’m barely able to open doors, let alone operate an electric appliance. And so I propose that we consumers petition companies to start producing a line of appliances for smart people. The old ones would still be available for those folks who aren’t confident in their own abilities to use blenders and such, but for those of us who were born with that special gift of being able to look at a simple item and inherently know how to use it, there would a line of products that come with no instruction manuals, no pictographs, no warning labels, nothing. In the box of any appliance for smart people, would be the appliance itself and a warranty card. That’s it. There would be no need for warnings because purchasing an appliance for smart people would be the same as signing a waiver. If you happen to injure yourself using an appliance for smart people, the appliance would be removed from your home and replaced with a brightly-colored Fisher Price brand safety appliance, and all of your friends would walk into your kitchen and know immediately that they should not trust you with things like their children.

This may seem harsh, but I for one think that anything we could do keep from wasting paper on useless instruction manuals and warning notices² is worth the possible lawsuits. Besides, my toaster burned my bagel this morning for no apparent reason, and so the little bastard must pay.

¹S.P.S.T. = Society for the Prevention of Stupid Things
²The average small appliance comes packaged with enough warning notices to wallpaper a small bathroom.