A Certain State of Mind

Two weeks ago, I wrote a column about giant killer badgers that are purportedly terrorizing citizens of Basra, Iraq. In the article, I drew comparisons between Basra and Wisconsin, stating that both obviously had a preponderance of badgers and that we should all be very concerned about this. Turns out, Wisconsin–”The Badger State”–has the most misleading nickname of any state in the U.S. We do not, as it turns out, have very many badgers here, if, indeed, we have any badgers at all. It turns out that the most fearsome, ferocious animal we have here is still the common Green Bay Packers fan (rabidius fanus), and while there is still much to fear, chances are you won’t start seeing more cases of badger-inflicted concussions in our local emergency rooms.

All this–while embarrassing–got me thinking about state nicknames and mottoes and just how misleading they can be. Wisconsin was named “The Badger State” because of a bunch of miners, and while that’s common knowledge here, how is a California-born, Florida-bred semi-permanent tourist like me supposed to know that? And anyway, while mining is a part of this state’s long, proud history, I thought we could use a bit of an upgrade. In fact, I thought nearly every state could use a bit of an upgrade, so I called one of my best friends, and occasional writing partner, Glenn, and asked him to help me brainstorm some new state mottoes.

Glenn’s from New England, so it wasn’t very surprising that the first one he came up with was, “Rhode Island: New England’s Very Own Pete Best.” With that, we were off, sending very silly–occasionally offensive–mottoes and nicknames back and forth like bullets.

“Colorado,” I said, “If You Thought Cooking Was Complicated At Sea Level…”

“Kansas,” he fired back, “Our Coast Guard Rules.”

On and on we went. “New Jersey: It Was Like That When We Got Here,” “Texas: It Was Self-Defense, I Swear,” “Minnesota: Buy Us a Beer, We’ll Vote For You,” “Illinois: Bismarcking Spelling Tests Since 1818,” “Utah: Where Everyone’s Treated Like a Member of the Family,” “Michigan: Get Carried Away by the Charm and Mosquitoes,” and my personal favorite, “Pennsylvania: Let’s Go Dutch!”

Granted, some of them (okay, ALL of them) are not likely to be featured on those cheesy commercials paid for by some tourism board, and the ones that we deemed unfit to print would probably offend most decent people. But we had fun, and I felt better about my very public faux pas with my own state’s nickname.

Oh, and if you’re wondering whether or not we came up with anything for Wisconsin, the answer is yes, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll only give you the one Glenn and I liked best:

“Wisconsin: Badgers? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Badgers.”