Now THIS is Required Reading

One of my greatest pleasures in life can be found between the covers of a book. I’m not talking about money or drugs or other things you might hide between the covers of one of those hollowed-out tomes you can buy from The Lakeside Collection. I’m talking about stories.

Unfortunately, fewer and fewer people share my love of reading, and who can blame them? Reading is, like, hard and stuff, what with all the words and sentences and wordy sentences authors like to use. And if you’re wondering why I’m making fun of such a large group of people, it’s because none of them will ever bother to read this, either.

But I think it’s important to be familiar with some of our most cherished works of literature, even if you don’t actually ever want to read any of them. So I’ve decided to perform yet another invaluable public service by summarizing some of the most popular books ever written for anyone who might happen to glance at this column while lining their birdcage or wrapping up fine china.

Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton
A man laid up in a small, snow-bound New England town winds up staying with the most depressing man on the planet. Thrill as Ethan almost wears the pants in his family, almost cheats on his wife, and almost finds some happiness in a cold, cruel world. You will almost finish it.

Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen
A young, single woman takes that book The Rules to heart and wins!

Tess of the d’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
A miserable woman hops jobs and beds until she snaps, stabs one guy she’s sleeping with and runs away with another only to be captured, imprisoned and executed. Full of buttloads of imagery and black fabric. Known forthwith as The Good Little Emo Girl’s Handbook.

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
A.K.A. Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, The Early Years.

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
A girl moves to New York and whines about NOTHING for TWO-HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-EIGHT PAGES. A.K.A. Sex and the City, The Early Years.

Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
A serial procrastinator and social climber obsesses over the real estate market and the most fashionable way to wear drapes. Also, in a pinch, this book doubles as a life preserver in the event of a water landing.

I hope that at least one of the above summaries piques your interest enough that you actually go out and read one of these books yourself. Because, remember, reading is FUNdamental! Ha! Ha ha! Ha…

I hate myself.