She’s Cold As Ice

I’m pretty sure I hit a mastodon with my car the other day.

Yeah, so that’s a lie. But you have to admit: it got your attention. Now watch me lose it.

I don’t want to stir the soup or anything, but am I the only one having a hard time believing in global warming right now? Is it just me, or is this one of the coldest, snowiest winters some of you remember, too? You might have believed I actually hit a mastodon with my car the other day, because it feels like the freaking ice age.

When you get right down to it, there’s only one way to make this whole stupid winter thing go away: we must destroy Canada.

Stay with me for a minute. I’m sure a lot of you really like maple syrup, and I know a lot of you like Canadian bacon, but, sometimes, sacrifices have to be made if you want to be able to get a good base tan in March.

And if that’s ever going to happen, Canada’s got to go. I’m not suggesting we hurt anybody in the process; I’m sure the 40 or 50 people who live in Canada would be happy moving to, say, Antarctica. It’s only a few degrees warmer.

If the cold isn’t enough of a reason for you to jump on my violent little bandwagon, consider this:

Canada is Canada, but people from Canada are Canadians. So why isn’t the place called “Canadia,” huh? Because they’re too busy using giant fans to blow sub-arctic air from the Canadian Rockies at the U.S. to pay attention to spelling, that’s why¹

I suppose you could ask me about all this again come spring, but for now, I’ll be out back prepping the hockey puck cannon.²

¹This is also why many Canadian documents suffer from a surplus of u’s. The British do the same thing, but only because they’re making fun of us. The Australians do it ’cause the British made them. The Canadians do it ’cause they’re just too damn busy to pay attention.
²Hi. This entire entry is a joke. Not that my Canadian readers will have any trouble recognizing that; I’m mostly talking to uptight Americans. Kthnxbai.