From A to Zombie

We live in a scary world. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. We live in a scary world. See? At least I’m honest.

I’ve even said that people living in this scary world aren’t nearly scared enough, considering all the possibilities. I mean, most of us are scared of nuclear annihilation, but how many of us are scared of zombies?

I am. You know why? Because I’m smart. If you’re not scared of something, how can you ever be prepared to deal with it if should the need arise? What are you all going to do if and when the zombies arrive? You’re all going to be sorry you laughed at me, that’s for damn sure.

Zombies are far more treacherous than you’d think, mostly because they seem like the lamest monsters in horror movie history. They just sort of… stroll… along… slowly… and occasionally… they happen upon someone… who has a cramp… or a bum leg… or maybe no legs… and they eat them. But if you have all of your limbs, or, better yet, a car, zombies just don’t seem all that frightening.

And that’s exactly why they ARE. It’s Newton’s First Law of Stuff I Made Up, which states, “For every lame, shuffling zombie, there are .004 zombies who can still manage to open doors, like those really smart dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.” So if you get enough zombies together, (say, 250), odds are you’ll have at least one zombie who’s capable of picking a lock with a bobby pin, toothpick or even a pinkie finger that just happened to be lying around.

So it’s important to have a plan of action should you ever find yourself facing the threat of zombies. Personally, I plan on trying to ride out the crisis inside my second story apartment. As long as the cable doesn’t cut out, I figure I could make it a week. If the cable doesn’t last, and I miss my daily Law & Order marathon, I’d probably have nothing better to do than become a zombie anyway.

By the way, do you know who was the first zombie?

Jesus, of course. He took a chunk out of a passerby shortly after his resurrection, and this is where we got Dick Clark. Dick Clark went home and bit his son for failing to take out the garbage, and this is where we got Jack La Lanne.

Also, zombies shuffle around banging on doors because they were spawned from Jesus. This is why you can’t trust Jehova’s Witnesses or other people who knock on doors and try to sell their religion. They’re definitely annoying, but they might also be zombies.

You don’t see Muslims going door to door, do you? Or Wiccans, or Jews, or Flying Spaghetti Monsterists… Because their faiths aren’t centered around a zombie, that’s why.

Anyway, failing to plan for a zombie attack is planning to fail at keeping your brain from getting eaten.

I’m just sayin’…

*sings* The more you know…