I’m Posting This From Work, ‘Cause I’m BAD

I normally don’t update my blog from work, but today sucks on toast, so I’m breaking my own rule.

I was late to work this morning because I couldn’t find my car keys, so The Brother had to drive me. He listens to a lot of rap from the ’80s and ’90s, so we listened to Run DMC and LL Cool J on the way. The latter’s song “I’m Bad” came on, and it struck me how different rap is now from what it was when I was a kid. LL Cool J–who is still one of the best-selling rap artists in the history of the genre–actually says in his gruff angry-rapper voice:

“I’ll crush you like a jellybean, ’cause I’m BAD.”

I actually laughed out loud when I heard this, and I laughed again when he said:

“Oreos eat LL cookies…”

I mean, how BAD can you be when you rap about junk food? Then again, what do I know about rap? Since today blows houses down, I thought I’d cheer myself up by coming up with other ridiculous ways to describe how bad LL Cool J is. Please to enjoy, and thank you, won’t you?

-”I’ll chew you up like bubble gum, ’cause I’m BAD.”
-”I’ll get you stuck in my fillings like caramel, ’cause I’m BAD.”
-”I’ll pretend to like you when my great aunt gives me bags of you every Christmas even though I really think you taste like something that fell out of a monkey’s butt like black licorice, ’cause I’m BAD.”
-”I’ll smoosh you like a marshmallow Peep, ’cause I’m BAD.”
-”I’ll cut you into squares and serve you warm with ice cream on top like fudge brownies, ’cause I’m BAD.”
-”I’ll sell you at a bake sale to raise money for the high school band like Rice Krispie treats, ’cause I’m BAD.”
-”I’ll let you sit in a dusty crystal dish for eight years like the hard candy on my grandma’s coffee table, ’cause I’m BAD.”
-”I’ll mix you with Pepsi and see if you explode in my stomach like Pop Rocks, ’cause I’m BAD.”
-”Then I’ll take that Pepsi and use you to drink it like a Twizzler with both of the ends bitten off so that it makes a kind of straw, ’cause I’m BAD.”
-”I’ll let you melt in my mouth but not in my hand like M&Ms, unless you think that sounds kind of gay, in which case I’ll just crush your punk-ass candy shell, ’cause I’m BAD”
-”I’ll sort you by color like Skittles, ’cause I’m BAD and obsessive-compulsive.”