The Christmas Eve Entry I Bet You Weren’t Expecting

So I assume everybody’s heard or read about the pandas China sent to Taiwan, right? Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan–whose names mean “reunion” when put together. Those Chinese are subtle motherfuckers–are a cute, cuddly reminder that China sees Taiwan as part of its territory, whether Taiwan likes it or not. As a throwback to the 1970s, when China apparently passed out pandas like they were breath mints, people are using the phrase “Panda Diplomacy” to describe the gift.

But there’s nothing all that diplomatic about it. China’s basically saying, “Look, bitches, we own you, and lest you forget it, here’s a bunch of Chinese pandas to eat all your bamboo, poop all over your country, and be cuter than any of your children. Suck it. O’China rules.”

It’s just too bad the pandas have to be caught up in all of this. What’s next, Chow Chow Diplomacy? “Here, let these fluffy puppy dogs symbolize the enduring suppression of our communist government. Who’s a good country? Who’s a good country? You are! Country want treaty?!”

Personally, I think practicing some sort of “Praying Mantis Diplomacy” would be more appropriate. Or how about some “Chinese Crested Dog Diplomacy”? Maybe the praying mantis image is more fitting, but sweet Jesus on a pickle spear, the Chinese Crested is one fugly dog. Plus, it was bred by the Chinese, so maybe it could be, like, a warning. “Look at what happens when we mess around with science. Do you really want to make us angry? We’ll make your children look like extras from the cast of The Hills Have Eyes! Muahahahahahahaha!”

I’m-a go watch movies now. Have a happy Christmas.