S.V.B.
This is a feature I like to call “Shiny Vintage Bullshit.” It consists of vintage advertisements and photographs taken (without permission) from Plan 59 coupled with various snarky comments I’ve made about them. This is a pretty popular feature over at my other online journal, so I thought I’d share it with this blog’s audience as well. Enjoy, and thank you, won’t you?
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Geez, women must have been desperate before vibrators were invented.
SYLOUETTE: TEEVEE UV THUH FEWCHUR!
Champion Spark Plugs: Your dog’ll love ‘em almost as much as your toddler will!
“Hey, compact parking only, pal!”
“I know you miss Mommy since she ran off with the gardener, Billy, but you see this train? It’s Santa’s train, and if we jump in front of it really quickly, we’ll be magically whisked away to the North Pole…”
“Gee, Pop, your new Stepford Wife is swell!”
Woman in front: “Grandma, get your hand off my butt.”
It’s nice to know that some things never change. The moon has always waxed and waned, the sun has always risen and set, and men have always come thisclose to burning down houses with barbecue grills.
Agnes was quite happy with her new husband, she only wished he’d stop pooping in his own pants.
At this point in the evening, Edward realized that there were definite downsides to only dating mannequins.
“Brillo: The only thing that will get the blood off after you bludgeon your husband to death with the sauce pan!”
“Just push a little harder honey; the basement door is wide open!”
Come to Voyeur Villa! Condos starting at $159,999!
“Say, I wonder if this would fit me?”
“I mean NOW, bitch!”
“Here’s your dinner Sally! By the way, you were adopted.”
“Hold onto your hats, ladies, Ronnie Howard is here, and he is ready to rock.”
When he started to do the same thing with the contents of Miffy’s litter box, Tony’s parents knew it was time to ask the doctor about Ritalin.
“Eh-heh-heh, how about buying me that pony now, Mom and Dad?”
“Mommy, why does the gravy taste like Pine-Sol?”
“Save some for your father, Susie.”
“Henry, pull over; I think someone just shot me in the back of the head.”
Hey, I thought women were only allowed to make babies back then?!
“Okay, look, if we get a whole lot of aluminum foil, no one will ever know about the chemical spill.”
“But Bill, what about the contruction workers; I don’t think–”
“WE WILL KILL THEM, AND NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW, YOU GOT THAT?!”
“Sure it’s big, honey, but it gets a whole eight miles to the gallon!”
“I don’t care what it costs, get a taxi over here now! Mr. Bear and I gotta get the hell outta this joint!”
“Tell me I’m spoiling my appetite and I’ll banish your ass to the corn field.“
“Bloody cat brains sandwich! Mom, I love you!”
“Dad! Mom got drunk and tried to make dinner again!”
As Mother lost her balance for the third time that night, Father thought it might be time to get in touch with those nice people from A.A.
“…for dishes, stockings, lingere, woolens, teeth…”
With sudden horror, Mother realized that it hadn’t been oregano she’d added to the parmesan biscuit batter.
Unfortunately for Janice, her brand-new “impermeable” raincoat did not work on cars.
“…coated with asbestos and gobs of genuine lead paint.”
“Look honey, it’s the perfect height for you to stick your head in!”
