Somebody’s Got a Case of the Go-Fuck-Yourselves!

Dear Coworker,

I am flattered to learn that you hold both me and my intelligence in such high esteem as to assume I am a walking Life for Dummies book, but do not ever make me have a conversation like this one again, or I will bludgeon you to unconsciousness with your own desk chair.

COWORKER: I need to get money out of my 401(k). I wonder what form I need to use?
ME: Oh, I have no idea. I’ve never borrowed against my 401(k).
COWORKER: Well this one says [blathers on endlessly]… Do you think that’s the one I need to use?
ME: I’m sorry. I don’t know. I’ve never borrowed against my 401(k).
COWORKER: Well, then this form says [tedious chatter ensues]… Do you think I should print this one?
ME: Once again, I have absolutely no knowledge of borrowing against one’s 401(k) having never attempted to do that exact thing you are both attempting to do and get my opinion on before in my whole entire life, which at this very moment in time feels like a möbius strip of apathy, so please stop asking me these questions.
COWORKER: Hrm… Maybe this form and this form will [OH MY GOD, THERE ARE SO MANY WORDS, YOU GUYS.] What do you think?
ME: I think I’m going to poison your coffee.
COWORKER: . . . Maybe if I attach a voided check to THIS form…

Most Sincerely,

8 responses to “Somebody’s Got a Case of the Go-Fuck-Yourselves!

  1. HA! Silly coworkers. Want I should beat them with my gonads and strife?

  2. You need to do what my friend Jake used to do at his desk. Just flick a pocket knife open and closed constantly.

  3. Ugh. Don’t remind me. You fill out the form the account manager says you need to use, which requires looking up all kinds of things you’ve never heard of, then you wait 3 months for it to process, then you repeat when your account manager sheepishly admits that that wasn’t the right form.

    At least, that’s how messing with the 401k has been going for me.

  4. Tell her she’ll need two pints of blood, a speed limit sign that doesn’t end in a 5 or a 0, someone else’s social security card, a microgram of U-238, and the first season of Sliders on DVD. And that’s just to get the first of MANY forms.

  5. ^^Is it wrong that I really liked the show Sliders?

    She sounds like my mom and son. They will ask me a question wanting an answer about something which I know nothing about. When I tell them I don’t know anything about it they will start giving me what details they know as if that will somehow jog a memory I didn’t have in the first place. It drives me crazy!


  6. Your co-workers make me want to poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick!

  7. Well now you know that you should just poison her coffee first thing in the morning and then you probably won’t have to have conversations like that anymore. *grin*